Well, not toxic, exactly... maybe just a little bit rank. But in a nice way. With a garnish.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

beg, borrow or steal?

I swore a little bit more under my breath as Imp drove as fast as she could without being arrested for melting the road surface.

It takes about half an hour to drive from Barry to Cardiff, allowing for the fact that the roads were built when people drove pit ponies and also the fact that the council seems to consider it fair sport to place traffic lights at every junction or hint of a junction.

This is to stop joyriders from joyriding. I would offer up Rocket Launchers as a more effective deterrent, but no one seems to listen to me.

Red light, red light, swear, swear, swear.

(I’m great company when I’m stressed)

Imp pulled a handbrake turn onto the link road and we hurtled at the speed of light towards the city centre, performing stunts that The Dukes of Hazard would have paid good money to see.
Go, girl.

I reminded myself to only make friends from now on with sensible people who wear beige and who would rather eat their own arms than do something as daring as even drink coffee with caffeine in. People who borrow tatty paperbacks and then lose sleep over the responsibility until finally they break under the pressure and return it complete with a bottle of whiskey and the keys to their house...

We drove....
All the while my 12-string acoustic Yamaha guitar, worth several unmentionable bundles of poundness sat unconcerned on my doorstep in deepest, darkest Cardiff.
My lovely guitar; exposed, begging to be nicked, unsupervised, returned (in a fashion).

Nearing collapse, my blood stream filling with dangerous levels of adrenaline, my heart weakly fluttering gamely on.
Buggery bollox.

This is the same guitar that Jesus used when he composed ‘Kumbaya, M’Lord’ before he went to the Garden of Gethsemane for a chicken chow mein and some prawn crackers.

Bad people walked by; robbers, Scousers, muggers, confidence tricksters, and still my priceless guitar sat incredibly (divinely) unnoticed and untouched.

Meanwhile, pressed back in my seat by the G-force produced by Imp’s road-hugging manoeuvres, we sped guitarwards, dodging sluggish sportscars and stationary police vehicles.

I vowed never to lend anyone an item of worth again.

Or at least, never to ask for it back without first securing a written agreement of time and place for handover and asking for a deposit of, for example, a kidney or maybe a small sculpture by Rodin.


  • At January 05, 2006 8:55 pm, Blogger Sniffy said…

    You shouldn't lend such precious things out. It's always difficult to say no, but it's much better to say so and to explain why rather than being put in such a position by the fuckwit who borrowed it.

    Always happy to help.

  • At January 05, 2006 11:59 pm, Blogger funny thing said…

    Cheerful as always, T?

    HNY, BTW.


  • At January 06, 2006 12:39 am, Blogger garfer said…

    I thought Yamhama made motorbikes.

    Get a grip on that Peugot and hunt a Fender.

    You know it makes sense.

  • At January 06, 2006 12:52 am, Blogger Sniffy said…

    Oh yes, fizzing like a bottle of pop, so I am.

  • At January 06, 2006 8:32 am, Blogger funny thing said…

    Funny that.
    Jaguar make tennis rackets and Rover make biscuits... ever notice that?


  • At January 06, 2006 11:37 am, Blogger Sniffy said…

    Rover making biscuits - only because their cars weren't much more than motorised biscuit tins.

    My brother has a Yamaha motorbike, it's very big. Look at all the things that Honda make.

  • At January 06, 2006 4:24 pm, Blogger Kyahgirl said…

    That Imp is a pretty exciting driver! Handbrake turns and everything. I'm impressed. My Dad used to make us do those in the Museum parking lot when it was snowy...just so we'd be used to the feelng of spinning in circles on a slippery road and be able to keep our wits about us! He had an interesting approach to winter driving :-)

    Glad the guitar was saved.

  • At January 07, 2006 10:21 am, Blogger funny thing said…

    Me too.

    I'm very jealous.. I have to confess to never having done a handbrake turn. Not in real life, anyway.. I can do them on computer games but I don't suppose that counts?

    I'll have to find a deserted car park somewhere and have a little practice :)

    I'll report back...

  • At January 07, 2006 7:33 pm, Blogger Fuckkit said…

    What kind of knob would leave a guitar outside of someones house? Do you consider this person to be a friend?


  • At January 07, 2006 9:54 pm, Blogger funny thing said…

    Funny you should say that... I'm beginning to wonder whether a true friend would do that.



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