toxicsoup

Well, not toxic, exactly... maybe just a little bit rank. But in a nice way. With a garnish.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

drawers of drawers

While I’m still on the subject of underwear.

My pants fit into three categories. Sunday-best Pants, Granny Pants and Period Pants.
That’s probably more than you need to know, but there we go. Just being friendly.

There is, as it happens, a tiny sub-section of the ‘granny-pants’ that don’t get used at all. They are the cream coloured granny pants that came in a multipack many eons ago and have been rejected as ‘far too Pride and Prejudice’.

I’ve never been particularly worried about the opinions of ambulance drivers, should I ever be in a position where I am lying on the road under the front end of a bus while people study my pants.
However, I draw the line at giant cream-coloured granny pants.
These, truly are, Emergency Pants.

I would have to be marooned without access to a Tesco Extra (The Apocalypse, perhaps) and possibly having lost the use of ALL my limbs, to even consider donning those reject pants.
A frontal lobotomy would be another example of a time where perhaps I would let things slide enough for huge cream pants to be acceptable.

White pants are a different matter.
It seems to be physically impossible to keep anything white in my house. All my *white* things are actually a kind of pale bluey-grey.
But that’s okay, because I like bluey-grey. White is for girly-girls. White is for people with enough white stuff to put in a separate wash. Wimps.

I’ve got a whole drawer packed full of pants. I wear about 6 pairs and ignore the rest unless it’s a really special occasion. Some of them, the ones at the bottom of the drawer, I haven’t seen for months. I know they’re there because without them I’d have tons of space.
Don’t ask me why I hang on to all my Pariah Pants. All I know is that I can’t possibly get rid of them.

It’s an honour thing.

32 Comments:

  • At January 25, 2006 5:23 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Big cream pants may not be any use once you are in an ambulance needing situation, however, they can be used as part of emergency pack to prevent such situations emerging...
    As parachute or mask to protect against SARS, bird flu etc (clean of course, unless fishy air filters are your thing), or a sling for a broken arm...
    Do not neglect to notice the power inherent with pariah pants... oh yes.

     
  • At January 25, 2006 5:30 pm, Blogger Sniffy said…

    Cream knickers. Are people completely mad? What on earth possesses people to even make these fucking things in the first place?

    You only need two types of knickers:

    White (and time/washing-related derivatives)

    Black

    End of story

     
  • At January 25, 2006 5:32 pm, Blogger Inexplicable DeVice said…

    Yes, Mariah is pants.

    What?

    Oh. Pariah.

    D'you know, I was wondering about pants only yesterday. Wondering why I don't just chuck out the pants I never wear and then buy some nice new ones.

    Needless to say, I haven't bought any more. Good job I didn't chuck out the others...

     
  • At January 25, 2006 6:02 pm, Blogger Wyndham said…

    "I wear about six pairs." Not all at once presumably,

    Why are pants so fascinating? Strange isn't it, how we find it so difficult to throw out certain pants.They're like loyal old friends - I guess because they do such an important job.

     
  • At January 25, 2006 6:30 pm, Blogger funny thing said…

    I hadn't thought of the First Aid situations they could be employed to deal with. I will see them with new eyes from now on.

    I certainly can't bring myself to throw them out, that would be a kind of betrayal.

     
  • At January 25, 2006 9:52 pm, Blogger Fuckkit said…

    Tescos have a lot to answer for, discontinuing my favorite line of knickers. Bastards.

     
  • At January 25, 2006 10:03 pm, Blogger Sniffy said…

    Marks's knickers for me - the five packs of plain high-leg briefs.

     
  • At January 25, 2006 11:30 pm, Blogger Kyahgirl said…

    some things don't change, regardless of what side of the ocean you reside on!
    I have the exact same issues (except we call 'pants' the things you put on the outside and 'underpants' the things you call knickers).

    For the greying issue-I ruthlessly put sulphite through my water softener to get rid of the iron and calcium buildup (which induces more greying). You can put right in your laundry too.

    Or, just buy more black pants.

     
  • At January 25, 2006 11:58 pm, Blogger funny thing said…

    Pants from Marks 'n' Sparks?
    You're not working class.....

    You can buy hilarious GIANT pants from Peacocks. Size 30 plus. Handy if you ever need an emergency papoose.

     
  • At January 26, 2006 6:07 am, Blogger pissoff said…

    I was just looking in my knicker drawer the other day thinking the exact same thing. I have a drawer full and just wear a selected few over and over. I too, categorize my pants. I just spent $50 on new undies before Christmas in hopes to rid myself of all those other useless ones. I still hang on to them for old times sake though.

     
  • At January 26, 2006 8:08 am, Blogger Sniffy said…

    Look FT, we're not turning knickers into a frigging class issue! The entire UK sould go to work in Marks's undies; people woult be in a much better mood and they'd be so much more productive.

     
  • At January 26, 2006 10:33 am, Blogger funny thing said…

    Doesn't seem to work for you...

    Do not diss me tesco pants, man, you is seriously vexxin' me man.

     
  • At January 26, 2006 10:59 am, Blogger Sniffy said…

    Cheeky fucker! How DARE you.

    Tesco knickers are OK, I ain't dissin' nuttin' girl-FRIEND! I just prefer Marks's.

     
  • At January 26, 2006 11:59 am, Blogger funny thing said…

    AAAaaarggh!

    She's got a knife!

     
  • At January 26, 2006 1:15 pm, Blogger surly girl said…

    m&s pants rock. i have black ones and white ones, and some lovely comfy grey ones (that started grey, honest).

    ah, pants...

     
  • At January 26, 2006 1:37 pm, Blogger Sniffy said…

    I must admit to having grey marl Marks's knicks too - they came in a five pack with some black ones.

    You diss-ree-spectin me, home-girl? You is na betta dan dat Tarney Blayah!

     
  • At January 26, 2006 3:55 pm, Blogger Kyahgirl said…

    quick clarification please? Is Marks and Spencer considered to be higher or lower class than Tesco? Is Tesco like K-mart or Zellers or Walmart? Someone help me out here?

     
  • At January 26, 2006 4:04 pm, Blogger Sniffy said…

    ooh, Marks's is the creme de la creme of supermarket experiences, although Tesco is very, VERY good.

     
  • At January 26, 2006 4:33 pm, Blogger funny thing said…

    Marks and Spencer is where all the shoppers go once they're too old for normal shops.

    They sell a fine range of support stockings and everything smells of biscuits and gravy before you buy them.
    This is to save time later; having to find an old lady to rub your newly-purchased polyester pants against in order to get that smell.

    Obviously having pre-smelling goods costs money, so you can expect to pay anything up to £30,000 for a decent twin set.

    Tjose of us who still have some dignity left get our undies from Tesco or Matalan.

    Happy to be of service.

    Don't listen to Tina.

     
  • At January 26, 2006 5:00 pm, Blogger Sniffy said…

    You're mad.

    Do you want a fight with me? I want to fight you and knock seven shades of shit out of you.

     
  • At January 26, 2006 5:19 pm, Blogger funny thing said…

    Shut up.

     
  • At January 26, 2006 5:45 pm, Blogger Sniffy said…

    Do you give in?

     
  • At January 26, 2006 5:48 pm, Blogger funny thing said…

    Well, I don't know and something and everything, you know.

     
  • At January 26, 2006 5:49 pm, Blogger Sniffy said…

    WTF?

     
  • At January 26, 2006 5:52 pm, Blogger funny thing said…

    Pervy bloke who wants to wee on ladies.

    No, I don't give in. Mrs Baxter.

     
  • At January 26, 2006 5:57 pm, Blogger Sniffy said…

    Ah, yes, the geordie one that makes me feel a bit ill.

    DO YOU GIVE IN????

     
  • At January 26, 2006 6:00 pm, Blogger funny thing said…

    Oh, alright then.

     
  • At January 26, 2006 6:11 pm, Blogger Sniffy said…

    Yesssss!

    Here, take my card and go and tell Jesus that Ruth Baxter knocked seven shades of shit out of you.

     
  • At February 01, 2006 11:10 pm, Blogger Urban Chick said…

    this is an enthralling discussion and i am sad to be joining in so late in the day

    i too have period pants, posh pants (although i always forget about them and they're not cotton so when i wear them i slide around in them) and pants i got from a pants chain letter (marvellous idea) which are quite a departure from my normal pant leanings

    i'm afraid i can't say more as mr chick is reading this over my shoulder and it's unnerving me horribly

    but i'd be willing to post a snap of my nicer pants on my blog as a sort of pant solidarity thing if others are willing too...

    [good lord, my first comment on your blog and already i have marked myself out as a FREAK]

     
  • At February 01, 2006 11:11 pm, Blogger Urban Chick said…

    ooh ooh, how about we all post pics of each other's pants and ask our readers to guess whose pants are whose? with prizes and everything!

    yes??

    no??????

    oh, OK

     
  • At February 07, 2006 7:41 pm, Blogger funny thing said…

    Erm.....

    *pretends to seriously consider this*

    How about you don't darken my door again, with your pervy pant-peeping-fetishness?


    ps. Hello, UC :)

     
  • At February 07, 2006 8:39 pm, Blogger Urban Chick said…

    c'mon - i'm not suggesting we post our nastiest pants

    deffo our poshest pants

    this might be the best tactic to lure surly girl back into the land of the blogging

     

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