Well, not toxic, exactly... maybe just a little bit rank. But in a nice way. With a garnish.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

one wheel

I can do it!

Ride a bike, that is.
For 6 metres.

This is the one that Imp bought for my birthday many months ago.
Someone forgot to include the second wheel and a set of handlebars, so I’ve been scratching my head since then, trying to work out where my front basket is supposed to go.

Thing is, if ever I should need to carry a baguette, a bottle of Pinot Grigio and a fluffy pussy cat, I’d be stuck for passenger space.


When I say ride, what I actually mean is hurl.

My foolproof method is this:
I cling onto the nearest fence, Bambi Amputee-esque…. and throw myself forward toward the ground, bizarrely enough. I then peddle like crazy in the wild hope that I can catch up with my body before I hit the ground. It’s all very elegant.

I’m not for one moment suggesting that I look at all strange; but if you see me, I will be wearing a certain amount of safety gear, it has to be said.

For the mushroom effect I sport my bike helmet and for the person-with-serious-burns-look I wear specialist unicycle gloves with wraparound wrist guards. Sexy.

I’m considering putting an order in to China for an adult nappy, which will solve the loose bowel problem.

Give me another couple of weeks and I expect I’ll be doing stuff like this.

Until then I will mostly be looking like this.


I know it's not time yet for Sunday Game, but have a shot before your boss notices, it'll keep you quiet for 5 minutes. It should get through Websense.

Cycle over the obstacles, carrying your goldfish bowl above your head. As you do.
Don't let the water level get too low. That's about it, really.


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