Well, not toxic, exactly... maybe just a little bit rank. But in a nice way. With a garnish.

Friday, February 10, 2006


Now I'm not one to moan or whinge.

Well apart from when I'm having a good old moan or a whinge, but that's another story.
Today however, is a particularly difficult day for me.
I apologise in advance for my inability to stay away from the subject of bodily discharges, but that's because of my *background.

*You too would talk endlessly on this subject if you had been brought up living on the backseat of a Datsun with nothing more to keep you warm than a thin cotton shirt, two flatulant younger brothers, a pet goat (kept for purposes of milk and waste disposal) and an Etch-a-Sketch.
Fortunately I honed my design skills on the Etch-a-Sketch in the long, dark evenings deemed too parky to go out on the game; became a child prodigy, got a degree and now (as you know) live the heady life of fame, fortune and A-list celebrityness.
Don't talk to me about discharges.

Anyhow, I digress.

My period started this morning, five minutes before our fortnightly team meeting.
Boys, feel free to leave at this point.
Girls, you know how I feel.

Having dealt with the resulting fall-out, a colleague offered me some Nurofen.
After scrutinising the ingredients and checking that Shellac didn't come from crushed beetle-shells, I downed the drugs and soldiered on. It's a complicated life being a vegetarian and a victim.

It got me thinking. One week in four, I'm in a constant state of leakage. Not only that, but my bowels join in, presumeably to celebrate their neighbourliness.

That means that by the time I am 50 (projected age of freedom) I will have been bleeding for
3,192 days. That's a lot of pain and a hell of a lot of blood. About a skip-full, by my reckoning.

So far I'm up to 1,932 days and I still haven't had a letter from Bob Geldof.



  • At February 10, 2006 2:31 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I say start collecting it in skip for research purposes. Let's see how much leakage really happens over our lifetime.


  • At February 10, 2006 5:44 pm, Blogger Sniffy said…

    Funny you should mention this. When I was a scientist, i was told of such a project whereby women were asked to use sanitary towels to catch the drips and bits of liver throughout their period. The towels were collected and weighed and the approximate volume of leakage calculated thusly.

    Don't worry, it's just a little bit of seapage.

  • At February 10, 2006 7:55 pm, Blogger Tickersoid said…

    I was at the Glee club on Mermaid Quay last week. The first act did a skit on what would happen if men had periods.
    Mostly it was about flinging soiled tampons by their tails whilt shouting "Oi Dave, cop this."
    Putting them back in the tubes and using it as a pee shooter. The classic of course is peeling of the self adhesive pads from your kecks and patting your mate on the back as he's leaving the gent's.

    You know we just would wouldn't we.

  • At February 10, 2006 8:46 pm, Blogger Fuckkit said…

    Nooo I cant handle periods. Before I started chaining the pill not only did I spend one week in four leaking I spent three days of that week unable to move and the week just before that alternating between screaming bitch and sobbing wreck.

    Thank you, Microgynon.

  • At February 10, 2006 8:50 pm, Blogger S.I.D. said…

    I'm sick ok???

    As a youngster and living quite near to a lovers lane,me and my mates use to collect the ladies used tampons, (whipped out for a quick shag in the cars) that were lying about.

    Of course all these were hung artistically from the adjoining lilac bush. (Quite a few during the summer months)

    It was named the Bloody Tree

    Ok I'm not sick, I'm an artist.

  • At February 10, 2006 9:29 pm, Blogger funny thing said…

    Oh, s.i.d, that is REVOLTING!

    Words fail me.

  • At February 10, 2006 9:51 pm, Blogger Sniffy said…

    SID, that is the most disgusting thing I've ever heard in my entire life! I'm shocked and appalled.

    You've offended my female sensibilities. I'm going to have to burn a copy of Nuts.

  • At February 11, 2006 3:41 am, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    It's not just the main thing... It's the arse thing that happens on the first day too... Destroys me, I tell thee.

  • At February 11, 2006 1:37 pm, Blogger Tickersoid said…

    Lady muck- What arse thing? I'm begining to thank God I'm a bloke.

    All that stress and blood, and now I learn there's an arse thing.

    Gota go I can feel a 'hot flush' comming on.

  • At February 11, 2006 2:37 pm, Anonymous valleyboy said…

    ...see, there we go - back to poo again! At least, I'm presuming its poo and not anything even more off beam???!

    FT - are you leaving some subliminal message in your posts encouraging us to return to the subject?? Is this your antidote to Imp's hyper ladylike sensibilities??

    Thinking about it, I'm off too - bit much to think of all those things going off at once - kinda explains the mood swings and psycho behavoiur before it happens - must be the anticpation! The girls win again on proving they suffer - give me shaving any day!

  • At February 11, 2006 2:49 pm, Blogger Inexplicable DeVice said…

    >Having dealt with the resulting fall-out, a colleague offered me some Nurofen.<

    That wasn't actual physical fall-out, was it? If so, that's a remarkably resiliant colleague you have there.

    Oh, and SID: Bleeeuggh!

  • At February 11, 2006 3:18 pm, Blogger Kyahgirl said…

    steelworker-you are a funny guy :-)

    SID-you and your mates are truly demented :-)but I think I knew that already. Although, I must say, no more demented than'whipping it out for a quick shag in a car with a stranger' . Eww.

  • At February 11, 2006 3:19 pm, Blogger Kyahgirl said…

    p.s. FT, I'm impressed by your hardy male readers, being willing to wade into this subject!

  • At February 11, 2006 4:22 pm, Blogger funny thing said…

    I know! It sounds like they enjoy talking about it more than me, and that's saying something.

    You got me, i-d! I don't usually recruit my colleagues to help clean me up but we're a friendly bunch...

  • At February 12, 2006 10:42 am, Blogger Tickersoid said…

    Kyahgirl- "no more demented than'whipping it out for a quick shag in a car with a stranger"

    You mean you'd leave yours in?

    I suppose it would make your blokes willy seem longer.

    Probabley wise in my case.

  • At February 12, 2006 3:56 pm, Blogger garfer said…

    Where's the Sunday game slacker?

  • At February 13, 2006 9:03 pm, Blogger Kyahgirl said…

    steel worker-you are evil.l.I was referring to the 'quick shag in a car with a stranger'. Not my thing.

    While we're being disgusting, I think a girl would have to be quite 'cavernous' do have a shag with it in.

  • At February 14, 2006 9:06 am, Blogger Tickersoid said…

    You're probably right.

    Mind, I once saw a lady who, whilst hurriedly routling through her hand bag, slapped a pair of salad tongs on the table.
    I wondered what they were for at the time.


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