Well, not toxic, exactly... maybe just a little bit rank. But in a nice way. With a garnish.

Friday, March 17, 2006

the panel

The wallpaper is horrible.

I shouldn’t really be thinking about the wallpaper because there are three people looking at me expectantly, waiting for me to answer a Hard Interview Question but I have noticed that it is anaglypta that someone has painted blue in the hope that people won’t notice and it is bothering me.

I’m actually trying to remember a word. I know it begins with ‘a’ so I’m quickly thinking of as many words as possible that begin with ‘a’.
The criteria are these: 1) it has to be English, 2) it cannot be rude, 3) it has to make vague sense and (4) it can’t be a word that I’ve just made up.
Before I finally remember that it is ‘articulate’, I try out autistic, Atlantic and antiseptic in my head. It takes about 2 seconds but it feels like about four and a half months and I can feel my hair grow.

My eyes are drawn back to the horrible wallpaper and I am working out what should be done to improve the décor.
I wonder if they will give me the job if I tell them that we should strip the walls and ditch the Artex?
I'm a bit worried that my clothes clash and that would be a fashion disaster. Not what you want in a job interview. Or maybe I blend in too much and they can't see me? That would be just my luck.

The Horrible Frosty Lady keeps asking me hard questions like ‘How do you prioritise and evaluate your work when you are running behind on deadlines and in danger of failing to meet targets?’
I think she is scrambling her voice with some kind of gadget borrowed from the FBI because I hear her say ‘How targets-funding-priority-evaluation-squiggly-wiggly-administration-R2D2-clipboard-boring-snoring-summarising can you?’

I feel the blood drain from my internal organs and pool in my ankles. This is a distinct disadvantage to my brain, which is higher than my ankles and needs blood or oxygen or inspiration or something.

I cough to buy time.

The Nice Smiley Man is being nice and smiley but I know not to let my guard down in case I am lulled into a false sense of security and make a joke about my missing eyebrow or tell them my best poo story.

I open my mouth and hear a mid-pitched babble escape; lots of joined up sounds that are unidentifiable to the human ear. I try to pass it off as intelligent speech and once again do my Bambi Eyes.


  • At March 18, 2006 12:31 am, Blogger Tickersoid said…

    Your writing is possibly the best I have encountered, ever. I am in awe of your talent. This is so entertaining.

    On the other hand I could just be a sycophantic cunt.

  • At March 18, 2006 11:20 am, Blogger funny thing said…

    Thanks, tickersoid.
    You've said that twice now.. that's very big of you.
    Having said that, your site is picking up big time - you must be doing something right!


  • At March 18, 2006 3:30 pm, Anonymous Stu Savory said…

    My answer for Frosty lady :
    "Sort tasks into classes having the same priorities.
    Within the priority class, do the shortest task first.
    This is known to be the optimal algorithm, I refer you to 'Knuth' if you've not read him."

    Then asl back : "Do you have a library of books on management techniques available to all employees? Does it include Knuth's excellent 3 volumes?"

    Watch her waffle and avoid answering ;-)

  • At March 18, 2006 7:56 pm, Blogger S.I.D. said…


  • At March 18, 2006 8:32 pm, Blogger garfer said…

    Frosty lady talks management speak bollocks.

    No wonder she has risen high in the public sector ranks.

    I suggest you take a course in talking shite, you'll go far.

  • At March 19, 2006 9:48 am, Blogger Spinsterella said…

    I would have answered Frosty Lady with:

    "Well, obviously, I'd just do the most important stuff first. It's not frigging rocket science now, is it?"

    Then I'd have rolled my eyes conspiratorially at Nice Smiley Man....

  • At March 19, 2006 1:12 pm, Blogger Inexplicable DeVice said…

    Tickersoid and FT: Get a room (without blue painted anaglypta wallpaper, preferably)!

  • At March 19, 2006 10:07 pm, Blogger bedshaped said…

    You appear to have forgotten rule number one when facing interviews with a panel.
    Imagine them all naked!
    You would be able to tackle any questions from them, even if they did involve cast members from Star Wars.

  • At March 19, 2006 11:04 pm, Blogger Tickersoid said…

    Have you noticed how management speek is just common sense with jargon?

  • At March 19, 2006 11:24 pm, Blogger funny thing said…

    Management speak is a load of old arse as far as I'm concerned.

    But that's just me thinking outside the box - I really must touch base more often.

  • At March 20, 2006 7:33 pm, Blogger just sayin' said…

    HAD TO send this post to gf who is going through management re-org bs. She'll get an ironic chuckle.

  • At March 20, 2006 7:58 pm, Blogger Sniffy said…

    You see, way before this point, I'd have shat myself.

    I'm liking this.

    "how do you prioritise...?" You do the stuff for the people who shout the loudest, but badly, and try to take the time to really help those who are nice and in need.

    Fuck the rest of them, they should've asked you earlier.


  • At March 20, 2006 7:59 pm, Blogger Sniffy said…

    management speak isn't even common sense Ticker.


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