Well, not toxic, exactly... maybe just a little bit rank. But in a nice way. With a garnish.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006


My body is falling apart.

As well as having gangrenous armpits I now have a swollen eye. It hurts when I blink or look. It really is a nuisance.
It has swollen so much that you could see it from space (if you happened to be in space looking in my direction) or at least from about 6 inches away.

I go to see a pharmacist.
It is loads easier to get to see a pharmacist than a doctor because you don't need an appointment and they look much more important because they have to wear a white uniform. I have a suspicion that they are better qualified than doctors, which is why they are allowed to spend a whole day in a room full of drugs.

(It is a scientific fact that doctors are more highly educated if they are wearing a uniform. Top tip.
I think if they score more than 60 out of a 100 they get a white top and an upside-down watch. The last time I went to see a doctor he had a bad hairdo and a woolly jumper and didn’t look particularly important. I wondered whether to report him to the doctor-police but decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps his uniform was in the wash.)

I crash through the door that rings a bell when you open it and stumble around the strategically-placed stands. They are put in your way so that you have to walk further to get out of the chemist and forget why you were leaving before you reach the door and end up buying hairnets and throat-sweets that you didn't want. I think that's where they got the idea for Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

Chemists are always full of old people because they have worse memories than the rest of us and end up being trapped there for days, buying endless packets of Tenalady before they find the way out. If you notice that your elderly next door neighbour hasn't taken the milk from her doorstep for a few days running, it's a safe bet that she will be trapped in the chemist.

I collide with the counter and peer round my hugely deformed face, looking for a member of staff. My eye is so bad that the pharmacist can see the problem from a whole room away and she diagnoses it from her position around the corner.
It occurs to me that she might be the same woman who had to examine my gangrenous armpit, as she seems quite reticent about approaching my poor, wilting body, but I don’t think she is. Maybe she has a facial disfigurement or is very shy. It’s a good job that it isn’t anything too personal as I wouldn’t want to discuss say, thrush or nipple rash, from that distance.

“I’ve got an infection in my eye,” I shout (as quietly as possible), stating the obvious. “What do you think I should do about it?”

“I would say you’ve got an infection,” she says. “In the eye.”

I consider that piece of alarming news and piece together the evidence. It appears I have an infection, in my eye.

“Do you have any cream,” I ask “to make it get better?”

The pharmacist glances around the room and edges her way along the wall towards the ‘Eye’ section. I quickly stick my face down the front of my hoodie and sniff my armpits.

“We’ve got some cream,” she states and passes me a box.

It is eye cream.

Grateful to have made some progress I pay up while she is within handing-money-over distance and leave the building, complete with massive eye, a tube of cream and almost all of my dignity.


  • At March 22, 2006 5:28 am, Anonymous Stu Savory said…

    Is there any connection between having a swollen I and being a unicycle rider? ;-)

  • At March 22, 2006 9:23 am, Blogger Spinsterella said…

    Hve you been scratching your armpits then rubbing your eyes?

    Do your new employers know about your gangrene?

  • At March 22, 2006 10:15 am, Blogger surly girl said…

    poor swollen eye and flaky armpits. you're going mouldy from living in damp gloomy wales. go on holiday. or, failing that, i'll go on holiday and send you postcards saying how lovely it is. that'll help no end.

  • At March 22, 2006 12:16 pm, Blogger Fuckkit said…

    Surly Girl's right, must be mould.

  • At March 22, 2006 1:55 pm, Blogger funny thing said…

    my eye's bright red and swelling by the minute... if it was mouldy wouldn't it be grey and fluffy?

    Gaddarn it, it hurts. On the bright side, at least I'll bounce if I fall over.

  • At March 22, 2006 6:26 pm, Blogger Sniffy said…

    Do you think you could film the moment when it bursts and stream the video on your blog? That'd be fun (for us).

    Do you reckon the swelling will go down in time for you starting your new job? That'd be a bit crap: starting a new job and looking a right skanky mare.

    I bet you won't get past the Occupational Health medical. Hope you haven't handed in your notice yet.

  • At March 22, 2006 7:56 pm, Blogger Convict said…

    Must have strained it with all the Bambi Eyes at the interview.

    You're sure it's eye cream? She didn't give you a tube of Canasten?

  • At March 23, 2006 11:02 am, Blogger funny thing said…

    Well thanks for your concern, you traitors.

    Hello convict .)

  • At March 23, 2006 4:32 pm, Blogger S.I.D. said…

    Eye,they show no concern at all.

    Cross eye I'm different.

    Kill me

    Or poke my eye out or something.

  • At March 23, 2006 5:44 pm, Blogger Tickersoid said…

    That was so funny, I've filled my incontinence pad.

    Show kids eye and armpit. Tell them they're drug related infections.

  • At March 23, 2006 10:59 pm, Blogger Inexplicable DeVice said…

    I wish all the old gits around here would get trapped in the chemists for days on end.

    Silly old duffers.

    Hope your eye doesn't pop.

  • At March 23, 2006 11:20 pm, Blogger funny thing said…

    Drugs-related, my arse.
    Lack-of-drugs, more like. But I won't tell the kids that.

    I hope it doesn't pop, too. I like having two eyes.

  • At March 25, 2006 4:39 pm, Blogger Kyahgirl said…

    dwarves seem to be susceptible to all sorts of illnesses! I agree with Surly-you need some sun :-)


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