Well, not toxic, exactly... maybe just a little bit rank. But in a nice way. With a garnish.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007



“If you give me your details, I'll pass them on to him when he gets back”, I say in a fake-jaunty phone-voice.

I was unlucky enough to be closest to the phone when it rang. My colleagues, I notice, all seemed to be very VERY Busy, suddenly.

I write the message into the Message Book, eyes watering somewhat.

“AAAAaaaaaaaaaaaarrrgh!”, I think to myself, sneaking a quick scratch with the clicky-end of my pen.

“No problem. Is there anything else I can do to help?”, I chirp, threateningly.

I learned this particular Telephone-Voice from the Customer Services Desk at Asda, where they manage to say all the right things but, with a professionally-developed scornful top lip glaring challengingly at you. I think it is the law that you have to be able do this lip-thing before you can be placed in any position of responsibility. They do it at hotel receptions, too.

“Bugger off!”, I think, frantically. “Go.Away.Go.Away.Go.Away.Bugger.Off”

Not that I'm accepting any responsibility, but I was involved in a terrible hair-removal accident a couple of days ago, in a sensitive area*.

*Note. The hair-removal was in a sensitive area on my body, not in a sensitive area like in the Central Command Post of MI5 or in say, a WI meeting in Afghanistan.

“Bye then”.

I slam the phone down and sprint quicker than the eye can see, to the kitchen where I pretend to wipe surfaces, scratching furiously as I go.

Sunday, April 22, 2007


Important notice: It is imperative when using hair removal cream that one covers up the areas from which one does not want hair removed.
This is especially important when using hair removal cream on or around one’s pubes... if you don’t want to look like a complete ning-nong.

No reason.

Saturday, April 07, 2007


I have finished the wardrobe! It has only taken me four days, which is quite good when you consider that I have been making the design up, as I go along.

I step back and admire. There are a couple of bits of wood at the front that should join but don't and, this means that I have had to suspend the vertical divide by a clever system of screws. This, however, does not count as 'bodging' but rather, 'improvisation'.
I have given strict instructions to anyone who might place anything in the wardrobe, to make sure that the items in question are not heavy.

I think about this very hard.
I shall carry out surprise inspections at roughly four-weekly intervals to make sure that no one has left (for example) a packet of chewing gum or a twenty-pence piece in a pocket.

It's a good job that I am so good at DIY. I think Imp is impressed.
My next job is to dig up the hall floor as it is slowly slipping into the basement.