Well, not toxic, exactly... maybe just a little bit rank. But in a nice way. With a garnish.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

not properly gay

I am accosted by a woman who wants me to play Lesbian Badminton!

I back off, hurriedly.

We are attending a meeting, Imp and I, to plan things for the Cardiff Mardi Gras. I have never been to a Mardi Gras meeting before and have no idea what to expect but, I am feeling Very Important.

I expect I have been asked to go because I am not only (i) gay and, (ii) have extraordinary administration abilities, but I also am (iii) very good at nodding in an agreeable way.

Imp worries aloud if she will be the only Lipstick Lesbian there.

“Ha!” (I say, with my plethora of no past Mardi Gras meetings to fall back on).

“Or course you won't, Imp”, I add, knowledgeably. “I'm sure there'll be loads of 'em”.

She looks relieved and slaps a bit more lippy on.


Things are looking interesting.

We have arrived but there are no Lipstick Lesbians to be seen! This is very worrying as they are very nice to look at, even if they are not as intelligent as normal dykes*.

I edge through the door and stare, worried, through the people milling around drinking coffee and chatting. They all look like they have turned up for a recording of Gardeners' Question Time.

The women nearest me have beards and, groundwards, stripy socks peeping out from under their half-mast burgundy cords. Even the blokes have less body hair than the women! I gulp.

Now, I would never abandon Imp as she is The Boss and I might get told off later but, I seriously consider leaving her momentarily to face them alone, while I sprint across the road for a quicker-than-the-blink-of-an-eye pint. I turn around.

Too late! I am whisked up by a woman who must surely have cats and definitely has verbal diarrhoea and, I'm deposited in front of two more must-have-cats women. I whimper. Imp, somehow has escaped and is near the refreshments table**. Damn her.

“Have you been here before?” Cat-Lady asks.


“Do you go to the group at all, the one upstairs?” she bulldozes merrily along.

“Wh...?” The other women join in, nodding enquiringly.

“Above Ikon, the meeting upstairs, for Lesbians”. Unaware, she nails the coffin lid on that one.

“N..” I protest.

“Would you like to play Lesbian Badminton?” She continues. The nodding women again resume their nodding.

“No!” I manage a whole word!

“Or Lesbian Cycling?”


“We do walking, as well”, Cat-Lady informs me. There is more agreement in the form of nods.

“I don't want to join a Lesbian Group” I manage to say. "Or play Lesbian Sports".

The three women step back in unison, puzzled and astonished.

“Do you belong to any other Lesbian Groups?” one of the nodding women asks.

“No, I don't know any groups”.

They are stunned.

“I play Normal Badminton and anyway, I don't like the word Lesbian” I say quickly, desperately trying to catch Imp's eye so that she will come and rescue me.

We all stand in silence, nothing whatsoever in common at all.

I study my Gay Trainers and scratch my beard.

*Imp, of course, is much more intelligent than me. She is the exception to the rule.
**See? Superior in every way.


  • At May 15, 2007 4:17 am, Blogger pissoff said…

    Soooo, are you on the planning committee now?

    I hate groups. In particular, I hated the mother's morning out group. They're painful and to me... pain is optional (well, most pain anyway).

  • At May 15, 2007 10:56 pm, Blogger Tickersoid said…

    Ha! I've been to the Cardiff Gay Mardis Gras and 'no' it wasn't when I was a rent boy.

    I'm off to join hetro' cycling.....if they'll let me.

  • At May 16, 2007 8:10 am, Blogger ziggi said…

    it's grown back then

  • At May 16, 2007 10:19 am, Blogger funny thing said…

    Heh heh!!! Not quite, it's causing me much grief and spottiness. But that's probably too much information.

    PO - what's a 'morning out group'?????

  • At May 17, 2007 12:31 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    he he! I share other traits that go with beards - grey hair & glasses. At least I can take the glasses off & apply more lippy when in such a gathering

  • At November 10, 2008 2:33 pm, Anonymous Caroline said…

    People should read this.


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