Well, not toxic, exactly... maybe just a little bit rank. But in a nice way. With a garnish.

Friday, May 04, 2007


I am shovelling shit!

It is pig shit, which is a particularly pungent variety of shit, but not as bad a dog poo. Anyway, I secretly like anything to do with poo, as long as it doesn't involve my face.

It is a stunning day for doing a bit of farm work and I hop over the fence and battle my way through the pigs. They are not being very helpful with the shovelling and, seem to be more interested in eating the shovel handle than standing politely aside while I bustle. (They are boy-pigs, which I think you will agree, makes all the difference).

The young people I am working with stay firmly on the pig-free side of the fence. I am surprised that they don't want to join in! I always jump at any excuse to get muddy – it is a scientific fact that muddy people are healthy people (or something).

This is what is wrong with society today, I think. People don't want to get covered in pig shit. Crazy! I must remember to pass on my thoughts to the Welsh Assembly.

I wrestle what's left of the broom from a hungry pig and sweep frantically, avoiding snouts and teeth. It is a bit like playing Pac Man, but smellier and with straw.

I am good at Bustling. It can be achieved much better with a broom or spade in your hand but, all the same, it takes a special kind of person to Bustle successfully. I am now at an advanced level as, I can Bustle in a pig pen.

I stop for a moment to consider this. (The pigs take this as an invitation to begin chomping on the fronts of my trainers.)

The pigs move on to the bottoms of my jeans. This is not in my contract.


“It bloody stinks in here!”

A scary-looking five-year-old wrinkles up his nose and glares at me. I ignore him.

“So what toxic substances can you see in the picture?” I ask. Two rows of tiny faces look up at me. They have climbed into the back of the Drugs Bus and want to be Entertained, with a capital 'E'.

“Heck, it's minging!

I avoid eye contact and continue to instruct. “You can all have a special free pen and I want you to find six dangerous things”. I pass out activity sheets and pens.

The five-year-old is looking daggers at me, furiously. “You smell of SHIT!

“Oooooh, Pooey-pong!” another tiny kid joins in, pinching his nostrils.

It is impossible to ignore the accusations any more.

“I know, I know! I smell of pig poo, BIG DEAL!” I counter, cleverly. I have been fully trained in Motivational Interviewing and my communication skills are the envy of many.

“Eeeeeeeeeeeewww!” erupts a wall of squeaky voices. “Get out! You SMELL!”

“It's not that bad”, I point out.

“Oh.My.God. It's SOOOOOOO stinky in here!”. A very cross-looking girl is giving me Evils. She is scarier than my Mum.

I have been evicted! From my own van! By a load of five-year-olds!

Defeated, I exit to exaggerated gasps and mimes of excruciating suffocation and stand, pongy, on my own out the back.


  • At May 05, 2007 6:56 pm, Blogger Tickersoid said…

    *tickers backs out, waving hand in front of face*

  • At May 06, 2007 2:41 pm, Blogger tea and cake said…

    Hi, I agree with you about the healthier people are mucky, muddy people!

  • At May 07, 2007 10:35 pm, Blogger Tickersoid said…

    What's this got to do with drugs?

  • At May 08, 2007 5:38 pm, Anonymous M&J said…

    *stops 'Awwww'ing at the piggy pic'

    Pig shit is good stuff, you know.

    Full of vitamins.

    You have to make sure you cook it properly though, so it's no use in quiche or anything.

    Fab in a pie.

  • At May 08, 2007 8:55 pm, Blogger funny thing said…

    I cook quiche properly, thanks. What are you implying???!

    Tickers - I can make anything fit my job. Next week I'll be sight-seeing in the fields of South America.

  • At May 10, 2007 11:36 am, Blogger missfee said…

    am not so familiar with pig shit but dog shit i can do... in fact, could deal with any kind of animal poop but ask me to clean up a human turd... i'd rather die.


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