Well, not toxic, exactly... maybe just a little bit rank. But in a nice way. With a garnish.

Thursday, June 14, 2007


Imp has been assaulted!

There is Good News and Bad News.

The Good News is that there were about 50 witnesses.

The Bad News is that she has got whiplash injuries, which means that we can no longer play squash, which means that I will get fat and become so big that I will have to be hoisted by crane from my first-floor window into a truck in order to be transported to hospital, where they will all mutter and stroke their chins while scraping the dying flesh from the folds in my ankles. Then I will die from obesity and will have to be buried in a specially-constructed coffin with cantilever supports.

But anyway, it's not about me.

Imp has got to wear a special collar! It is to hold her head up so that she can carry on working.

“I look like a nob”, she says, sadly.

“You look gorgeous!” I lie, hastily. If she had bigger teeth she would look like Smashie, of Smashie and Nicey fame. With purple hair.
I decide not to tell her this.

She stares gloomily out the window.

I think she can read my mind.


  • At June 14, 2007 12:19 pm, Blogger Mdx said…

    Awe get well soon Smashie.

  • At June 14, 2007 12:33 pm, Blogger garfer said…

    There are perverts out there who have a fetish for people in surgical collars.

    Tell her to watch out.

    They lurk.

  • At June 15, 2007 5:55 am, Blogger pissoff said…

    Well, look on the bright side, at least she doesn't have to wear a cone over her head.

    The other good point is maybe they'll make a documentary about the two of you. Even though you'll be weighing in at 2 tonnes, you won't be able to walk, and you'll have fungus growing in your folds, you'll have lots of money.

  • At June 15, 2007 1:18 pm, Blogger funny thing said…

    Aye. If there are any documentary makers out there, you know what to do. Or not. I dunno.


  • At June 15, 2007 4:36 pm, Blogger La Muck said…

    Awww poor Imp! I recommend cake. But then wouldn't help you much... Am sending cake-like vibes instead.
    Hope she gets better soon.

  • At June 17, 2007 6:48 am, Blogger Kyahgirl said…

    you need to nurse her back to health quickly ft, otherwise you'll be stuck dealing with the poopy bum of Tiny Dog. People in neck collars can't do that kind of chore!!

    I hope that Imp feels better soon.

  • At June 30, 2007 8:01 pm, Blogger Inexplicable DeVice said…

    I can't believe I've left it so long since visiting last. That 'Bad News' paragraph nearly had me pissing myself with laughter!

    With you, of course. Not at you.

    * scarpers *


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