Well, not toxic, exactly... maybe just a little bit rank. But in a nice way. With a garnish.

Monday, June 18, 2007

day trip

We have decided to go to the National Botanic Gardens of Wales, to cheer ourselves up. It is a scorcher of a day and it would be criminal to stay indoors.

I spend a while choosing which hoodie I should wear, as the gardens will be full of old people and I wouldn't want to scare them. I wear hoodies all the time and must surely have a Day-Out-to-the-Country Hoodie. We are young, and vibrant, and full of life and I want my hoodie to reflect that, without looking like a drug-dealer.
I expect we will be the only young people there.

We boil a kettle so that we can make a flask of coffee. This is NOT a Granny thing to do, it is just that I need caffeine in order to stay awake for such a long journey, as it might take more than an hour. I take a moment to spike my hair, as I am Young and Funky.

“Aaaargh!” Imp yells from the kitchen.

I run.
She has burned her hand with boiling water! She is not having much luck at the moment.


We climb into the car. Imp has to be careful because of her whiplash injuries and, because she has been holding her hand under cold running water for the last 15 minutes.

“Oooowwwww!” she yelps. “The sun's burning my hand!”. The temperature inside the car is about 3,482,800,0000000000 million degrees. This is what it must be like to live in Torquay.

I run back into the house and soak a bundle of kitchen towel in cold water, so that she can wrap her hand in it. We strap her special neck-collar into place. She is very fragile at the moment.
We pull away.

“How's your hand?” I ask, anxious. I indicate, to drive around a leaf.

“Still burning”. She looks really depressed.

I open the sunroof. “Stick your hand out the sunroof, the wind will keep your hand cold!”
I am a genius. I am surprised that Alan Sugar hasn't rung me yet. I expect he is waiting for his current assistant to fail miserably so that he won't get sued for violating Equal Ops, or something.

“I can't!” Imp looks apologetic. “I can't lift my arms above my head because of my neck”.

I press the opening-window button. That idea doesn't work either, because Imp burned the wrong hand.
I close all the windows and the sunroof and put the air conditioning on.

Imp's phone bleeps. It's a text! I hope that it is her ex-husband so that we can complain about him a bit.

Imp is having trouble pressing the buttons on her phone, because her hand is swathed in soggy kitchen towel. I am getting impatient.

“Who is it?” I ask, casually-yet-nosily.

“Dunno”. She rummages around in her bag. “I can't see it, without my reading glasses”.

We continue, in this manner. Young, vibrant.


  • At June 18, 2007 6:20 pm, Blogger garfer said…

    Imp should change her name to Unlucky Alf.

  • At June 18, 2007 10:28 pm, Anonymous imp said…

    Surprised you didn't mention my dodgy knee and painful haemorrhoids!

    I can still walk faster than you though!

  • At June 18, 2007 10:46 pm, Blogger funny thing said…

    Yeah, that's because you've got a zimmer frame...

  • At June 24, 2007 4:22 am, Blogger pissoff said…

    I just hope you didn't forget your walker at the gardens.

  • At June 24, 2007 6:40 pm, Blogger La Muck said…

    Awww poor Imp! Whiplash and piles? I can relate... Although the way I got the former was no doubt infinitely more fun. Sympathy pet. Moan about the ex anyway. It's cleansing.

  • At June 26, 2007 9:58 am, Blogger Tickersoid said…

    Hemoroids. Whoever invented spelling had a glut of 'h's, 'r's and 'a's.

  • At June 30, 2007 8:04 pm, Blogger Inexplicable DeVice said…

    Too true, Tickers.

    Anyway, I hope Imp's hand is better now. I'm sure it must be, because everyone knows that young people heal faster than old people...

  • At August 20, 2007 11:30 pm, Blogger Frances said…

    At last, a blog by a young vibrant person.
    I keep finding mouldy old women like myself blogging - lovely to find there are people who have enough digital flexibility to spike their hair yet with time from their exciting lives to share with us. Must have a little lie down to recover.


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