toxicsoup

Well, not toxic, exactly... maybe just a little bit rank. But in a nice way. With a garnish.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

beer belly

It is getting on for 15 years since I last swam.

This is for several very good reasons:

1. I am developing a somewhat ‘portly’ appearance.. otherwise known as a beer belly.
2. I am developing a complex about my beer belly.
3. I am not very good at swimming.
4. I might drown and, the pathologist (who would probably be Amanda Burton) would say something along the lines of:
AB: “Yes, it’s clear that she had consumed a pint of beer and a bag of Frazzles approximately 58 minutes before swimming, whereas Everybody Knows you should wait a full hour after food before getting into the water. Therefore I deduce that this (unidentified) person died from food-before-swimming-syndrome, has the beginnings of a beer belly and, given the evidence, in my opinion Deserved.To.Die”.

The detective on duty (probably Bergerac) would, horrified, scribble notes frantically and plan his next talk to Primary School kids.
(Don’t play on railway lines, don’t stick your fingers into toasters, don’t swim for an hour after eating).

AB: “Oh, and by the curious markings on the backs of her knees, I conclude that this (unidentified) lived in Wales, once ate 12 doughnuts in one day and, hated spaghetti hoops”
These reasons are enough to keep me strictly clear of water of any depth greater than would necessitate me to reveal more than my ankles, but, I accidentally bought a wetsuit, thinking it would make me thin and now I am on a beach…

Thursday, August 02, 2007

cheese and tomato sandwich

I am on an interview panel!

This is because I am so grown up and people obviously recognise my talents as a discerning, mature person to have around.
Also I’ve been practising my Wise Look in the mirror and I am wearing my best shirt.

It is going well. I am making notes and nodding with a kind of thoughtful erm.. thoughfulness.

I’m sure that the candidates are greatly relaxed by having me on the panel.

We break for lunch. This is always a highlight as food is provided, thus disproving the saying about there being no such thing as a free lunch.

I scan the sandwiches. Ham, Tuna, Beef, Chicken.
I am a vegetarian.

I buy myself a cheese and tomato sandwich and sit down, chatting to the candidates and being friendly.
I am not naturally a chatty person; in fact, I have been known sometimes to be a bit grumpy (although not in living memory, as I’m sure Imp will agree). However, today I am doing really well.
I switch my brain into SmallTalk mode.

“So, did you enjoy looking around?” I ask one of the blokes, who looks like a very worried rabbit (this is a metaphor, as he doesn’t have fur or long ears and he is taller than me (although I am actually very tall)) in headlights.

I bite into my sandwich while he formulates his answer and, spectacularly, a load of tomato spurts out and lands on my (posh) shirt.

This is a disaster! I have heard about the properties of tomato. It is capable of staining for life (and then on into infinity). It is a scientific fact that there are tomato stains on many fossils that have been found. This is because it is essential to soak the stain immediately in cold water, but Woolly Mammoths do not like cold water.

I rush to the toilets immediately (after finishing my sandwich) and douse my shirt with cold water.

The stain takes no notice!
I re-douse.

There is no apparent effect. I am defeated.

I have a Wet Breast. It is dark blue against the rest of my posh shirt, which is light blue. As if that were not bad enough, it highlights the tomato stain beautifully.

I take my place back on the interview panel, Wet Breast glorious.