Well, not toxic, exactly... maybe just a little bit rank. But in a nice way. With a garnish.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

cheese and tomato sandwich

I am on an interview panel!

This is because I am so grown up and people obviously recognise my talents as a discerning, mature person to have around.
Also I’ve been practising my Wise Look in the mirror and I am wearing my best shirt.

It is going well. I am making notes and nodding with a kind of thoughtful erm.. thoughfulness.

I’m sure that the candidates are greatly relaxed by having me on the panel.

We break for lunch. This is always a highlight as food is provided, thus disproving the saying about there being no such thing as a free lunch.

I scan the sandwiches. Ham, Tuna, Beef, Chicken.
I am a vegetarian.

I buy myself a cheese and tomato sandwich and sit down, chatting to the candidates and being friendly.
I am not naturally a chatty person; in fact, I have been known sometimes to be a bit grumpy (although not in living memory, as I’m sure Imp will agree). However, today I am doing really well.
I switch my brain into SmallTalk mode.

“So, did you enjoy looking around?” I ask one of the blokes, who looks like a very worried rabbit (this is a metaphor, as he doesn’t have fur or long ears and he is taller than me (although I am actually very tall)) in headlights.

I bite into my sandwich while he formulates his answer and, spectacularly, a load of tomato spurts out and lands on my (posh) shirt.

This is a disaster! I have heard about the properties of tomato. It is capable of staining for life (and then on into infinity). It is a scientific fact that there are tomato stains on many fossils that have been found. This is because it is essential to soak the stain immediately in cold water, but Woolly Mammoths do not like cold water.

I rush to the toilets immediately (after finishing my sandwich) and douse my shirt with cold water.

The stain takes no notice!
I re-douse.

There is no apparent effect. I am defeated.

I have a Wet Breast. It is dark blue against the rest of my posh shirt, which is light blue. As if that were not bad enough, it highlights the tomato stain beautifully.

I take my place back on the interview panel, Wet Breast glorious.


  • At August 02, 2007 1:11 pm, Anonymous be.bart said…

    I'm sure the candidates must have been comforted by the fact that they suddenly found themselves in the middle of a Miss Wet T-shirt election.

    'Yes, I tit... think that I am a boobable... suitable candidate. My breast... best quality is that I can handle nipple... people very well. And I like to get to the bossom of things... bottom of things.'

  • At August 02, 2007 2:58 pm, Blogger Maureen said…

    And now you see.... there IS no such thing as a free lunch.

    For vegetarians, at least.

    Next time, wear a red shirt. Not only will it hide tomato stains, red is a power colour and will scare the begeezus out of the candidates.

  • At August 02, 2007 5:10 pm, Blogger Tickersoid said…

    It could only have been worse if you were on the other side of the desk.

  • At August 03, 2007 3:56 pm, Blogger y said…

    Better than spurting tomato onto the candidate´s shirt, I think.

  • At August 03, 2007 4:06 pm, Blogger funny thing said…

    I will have to dress according to what I am about to eat, from now on...

    Hello be.bart, bytheway :)

  • At August 05, 2007 5:38 pm, Blogger garfer said…

    Serves you right for being a vegetableist.

    Quit yer moanin' and get it dry cleaned on expenses.

  • At August 06, 2007 9:04 pm, Anonymous Camiseta Personalizada said…

    Oi, achei teu blog pelo google tá bem interessante gostei desse post. Quando der dá uma passada pelo meu blog, é sobre camisetas personalizadas, mostra passo a passo como criar uma camiseta personalizada bem maneira. Se você quiser linkar meu blog no seu eu ficaria agradecido, até mais e sucesso.(If you speak English can see the version in English of the Camiseta Personalizada.If he will be possible add my blog in your blogroll I thankful, bye friend).

  • At August 12, 2007 12:14 pm, Blogger Suzeekinz said…

    Maybe you should've tried milk?
    It removes felt-tip pens from fabric...
    At least you didn't have a big fat tomato pip stuck to your chin! Did you?

  • At August 12, 2007 12:15 pm, Anonymous sooz said…

    That was me just then... It won't let me leave a comment the normal way!


  • At August 12, 2007 12:16 pm, Anonymous sooz said…

    Oh bugger! I'll get my coat!

  • At August 12, 2007 10:16 pm, Blogger david santos said…

    Great work, thank you

  • At August 15, 2007 9:03 am, Blogger Odd Thomas said…

    Went to a big tech presentation a few years ago where the host provided little boxes of egg muffins ... but forgot the plates or places to sit, and only had those cheap little napkins that just stick to a mess rather than clear it up. They ended up with egg yolk stains all over reception; the seats, the floor, and 200+ tech guy's shirts ... it looked like a pigeon attack!

    Very entertaining!

  • At August 17, 2007 7:24 am, Anonymous kermit said…

    tomatoes were thought poisonous by some ancient civilizations, you know. and now we know why

  • At August 20, 2007 10:15 pm, Blogger Rima said…

    Hey, Funny Thing - I just played a game of 6 degrees of separation on my sister's blog, and ended up with you (yes, it's a lame game, and yes, we really should get a life). But your posts are such a hoot, I really wanted to end up here! So there. Or whatever. If you're interested (or would like to play, ha!), here's the link to that post:

  • At August 26, 2007 8:42 am, Blogger Sweet Irene said…

    I come here faithfully every day and hope for a new post, but every day I am disappointed. I hope you write again soon, because you are a rather funny person and I do have you on my list of favorite blogs. So, please write. What will it take?

  • At August 27, 2007 1:53 pm, Blogger Rima said…

    I agree with Irene (who pointed the way to your blog for me), I've come back a lot lately, hoping to read more about your trial and tribulations - but had to leave heartbroken. Que pasa? no tomato sandwiches left at the cafeteria? We miss you.

  • At September 05, 2011 10:36 am, Anonymous fashion jewelry wholesale said…

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